A heart split in two

I’m sitting on my bed, in Singapore, writing this post, feeling emotionally vulnerable and teary. Writing gives me comfort. Writing gives me release. I am sad because I am leaving Singapore to go back to Sydney in two days time. Leaving is always so hard to do.

Many times I question whether I’ve made the right decision to make Sydney my home, for now. So many people have asked me if I ever plan to move back to Singapore. Truth is, I don’t know. I’m not closed to that option and I readily would move back here if life so leads me back. But for now, I’ve chosen Sydney as my home. How long, I don’t know. Why Sydney over Singapore? I don’t know either. There’s an indescribable feeling, deep within me, a little voice in my heart, a little ‘prompting’, if you like, that’s edging me towards Sydney. I’m not ready to leave. I feel like I’ve started something there, a season of my life, maybe, and it needs to be finished, before I can leave.

Despite that, it still makes leaving Singapore hard. I’ve got so much here. My family, my friends, the past that I’ve had, the memories. Every time I walk through the departure gates at Changi, I leave a small portion of my heart here. If I do this often enough, what will be left of my heart?

As much as my parents are supportive of me being in Sydney, I know it’s hard for them to let go. Having both children in two different ends of the world is heart wrenching. My family doesn’t have the luxury of having a monthly family gathering. The last time all of us were in the same country, enjoying family time together, was two years ago. It’s not easy for mom and dad, but they unselfishly let us go any way, knowing that they can’t hang on forever, knowing that children do one day grow to become adults. I am grateful for that.

My tears are flowing freely as I write. My heart is slowly being sliced in two. This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in awhile. I pray that God will be honoured in my decision, that His plans will prevail.

Come Wednesday, when I board the flight back to Sydney, I will fill my mind with happy thoughts of my future in Australia. I will think about the many exciting things that lie ahead – new job, new home, changes at church… But know that a part of me, a very special part of me, will always cling on to everything that I have in Singapore. I am who I am today, because of the life I’ve had here and the people that I know. You may take girl out of Singapore, but you’ll never take the Singapore out of her.

I thought it apt to end with a song, written by an amazing Singaporean singer/song-writer, who understands my struggle because she lives in Los Angeles, pursuing her dreams. This song has repeatedly brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how she feels, and she’s penned it far more eloquently than I can.

Fly away – Corrinne May

“When will you be home?” she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She’s watched me as I crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
And yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I’ll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we’ll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
“We need you. Please come back.”
When I saw her lying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried