A work in progress

I’ve been contemplating 2009 and reflecting on 2008.

Where do I begin?

2008 has evoked a broad spectrum of emotions from me. I’ve spent nights crying myself to sleep for whatever reason. But I’ve also spent many a night falling asleep with a content smile on my face. 2008 has been good, but also difficult. It’s been a year of self-discovery and maturity. It’s been completely mine.

I finished my postgraduate education this year. I received a letter from uni with the heading “Re: Award of Master of Teaching”! (Yes!! FINALLY) How time has flown! I still remember, like yesterday, deciding where and which uni I should go to. Now, in a blink, I’m done! All done. Finally qualified as a teacher. It’s taken awhile to get to this point, had to make many difficult decisions, had to take many bold moves, but I’m here now. Nothings changed. I want to teach. I love teaching.

2008 has been a time of learning to trust God, especially on the job front. December is a bad time of the year to start looking for a job - schools are closed. I haven’t had any luck thus far and I’m starting to get anxious about whether I’ll be able to find work as a teacher.

Luke 12 says “And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you”.

I’m trying.

2008 is the first year in six years that I haven’t shared with a significant other. [It’s not that I’ve dated many guys. The relationships have just been long. WH (2002-2004) & E (2004-2007)]. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s been liberating!!

I’ve never had to grapple with contentment in singleness because I was already attached when I decisively committed my life to Christ. Until this year, at no point in my adult Christian life was I single.

I’ve learnt to trust God and to commit this aspect of my life to Him. I’ve realized that two people, who appear to be ‘suitable’ for each other, who work hard at committing to the relationship doesn’t equate to a lasting relationship. God is sovereign, and his plans are different to ours.

I’ve seen numerous Christian couples get married over the years, many of whom are dear friends of mine. Their lives and relationships have been such glorious testimonies of Christ. You simply cannot deny that God had ordained, right from the start, their destiny together. If God knew what he was doing with them, I completely trust that he knows what he’s doing with me.

This year of singleness has been liberating and assuring. I’ve never felt so free, so ‘able’ to do as I please, without consequence to another person. It has been my year to be ‘selfish’. I’ve had ‘me time’. I don’t know if I’ll ever marry (that’s for God to decide), but I know that until I’ve had my ‘me time’, I could never fully commit to anyone. Singleness has shown me that I am able and happy to have a life of my own. A boyfriend doesn’t complete me.

Ironically, my most intense moments of loneliness was not when I was single but when I was attached. There is nothing more alienating than being emotionally detached from the person you love.

2009 promises many new things - new job, new stage in life, new experiences. I’m glad 2008 is drawing to a close. I’ve learnt many lessons and have grown tremendously (in maturity, not height. Obviously! :P ). I don’t expect 2009 to be a bed of roses. It is yet another year, in the difficult, arduous journey called life. But I trust that my Creator is in control. Next year, like any other year will be one where He’ll mold me and prod me along, until the glorious day that I see Him face-to-face. 2009 brings me one year closer to that day.

Just because...

On my recent trip back to Singapore I was rummaging through some old journals and pictures and I stumbled on this poem. I remember finding this poem online some years back, but for the life of me, can't remember who I had in mind when I read it. (Yeah, I know. Pathetic. Heh)

Anyways, for posterity, I'm going to post it. I remember this peom evoking strong emotions of cynical love for me. Heh. I'm not sure if things have changed, but I dare say I'm slightly more mature now. :)

Here goes...

Have you ever loved another,
Yet the lover had no care.
Has a tear escaped your eye,
Yet no more would even dare.

Does your heart melt with a glance
As you offer up a prayer
When you look into their heart
Does your heart yearn to be there?

Have you wanted him so badly
That your heart would start to bleed
Have you tried to say I love you,
Yet a voice would not proceed?

Don't lend your heart to love dear friend,
Let your tears fall like the rain
A healing heart will break again
And sadness will remain.

You'll ponder thoughts of real love
and wonder if they're true
Pity takes no place in life
Upon a heart so blue

Grand is love yet merciless
The price to pay is high
A choice to take of love or death
My heart would rather die

Never lend your heart to love,
You'll find my words are true
Don't doubt me friend for I should know
I fell in love with you.


Author unknown