A work in progress

I’ve been contemplating 2009 and reflecting on 2008.

Where do I begin?

2008 has evoked a broad spectrum of emotions from me. I’ve spent nights crying myself to sleep for whatever reason. But I’ve also spent many a night falling asleep with a content smile on my face. 2008 has been good, but also difficult. It’s been a year of self-discovery and maturity. It’s been completely mine.

I finished my postgraduate education this year. I received a letter from uni with the heading “Re: Award of Master of Teaching”! (Yes!! FINALLY) How time has flown! I still remember, like yesterday, deciding where and which uni I should go to. Now, in a blink, I’m done! All done. Finally qualified as a teacher. It’s taken awhile to get to this point, had to make many difficult decisions, had to take many bold moves, but I’m here now. Nothings changed. I want to teach. I love teaching.

2008 has been a time of learning to trust God, especially on the job front. December is a bad time of the year to start looking for a job - schools are closed. I haven’t had any luck thus far and I’m starting to get anxious about whether I’ll be able to find work as a teacher.

Luke 12 says “And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you”.

I’m trying.

2008 is the first year in six years that I haven’t shared with a significant other. [It’s not that I’ve dated many guys. The relationships have just been long. WH (2002-2004) & E (2004-2007)]. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s been liberating!!

I’ve never had to grapple with contentment in singleness because I was already attached when I decisively committed my life to Christ. Until this year, at no point in my adult Christian life was I single.

I’ve learnt to trust God and to commit this aspect of my life to Him. I’ve realized that two people, who appear to be ‘suitable’ for each other, who work hard at committing to the relationship doesn’t equate to a lasting relationship. God is sovereign, and his plans are different to ours.

I’ve seen numerous Christian couples get married over the years, many of whom are dear friends of mine. Their lives and relationships have been such glorious testimonies of Christ. You simply cannot deny that God had ordained, right from the start, their destiny together. If God knew what he was doing with them, I completely trust that he knows what he’s doing with me.

This year of singleness has been liberating and assuring. I’ve never felt so free, so ‘able’ to do as I please, without consequence to another person. It has been my year to be ‘selfish’. I’ve had ‘me time’. I don’t know if I’ll ever marry (that’s for God to decide), but I know that until I’ve had my ‘me time’, I could never fully commit to anyone. Singleness has shown me that I am able and happy to have a life of my own. A boyfriend doesn’t complete me.

Ironically, my most intense moments of loneliness was not when I was single but when I was attached. There is nothing more alienating than being emotionally detached from the person you love.

2009 promises many new things - new job, new stage in life, new experiences. I’m glad 2008 is drawing to a close. I’ve learnt many lessons and have grown tremendously (in maturity, not height. Obviously! :P ). I don’t expect 2009 to be a bed of roses. It is yet another year, in the difficult, arduous journey called life. But I trust that my Creator is in control. Next year, like any other year will be one where He’ll mold me and prod me along, until the glorious day that I see Him face-to-face. 2009 brings me one year closer to that day.

Just because...

On my recent trip back to Singapore I was rummaging through some old journals and pictures and I stumbled on this poem. I remember finding this poem online some years back, but for the life of me, can't remember who I had in mind when I read it. (Yeah, I know. Pathetic. Heh)

Anyways, for posterity, I'm going to post it. I remember this peom evoking strong emotions of cynical love for me. Heh. I'm not sure if things have changed, but I dare say I'm slightly more mature now. :)

Here goes...

Have you ever loved another,
Yet the lover had no care.
Has a tear escaped your eye,
Yet no more would even dare.

Does your heart melt with a glance
As you offer up a prayer
When you look into their heart
Does your heart yearn to be there?

Have you wanted him so badly
That your heart would start to bleed
Have you tried to say I love you,
Yet a voice would not proceed?

Don't lend your heart to love dear friend,
Let your tears fall like the rain
A healing heart will break again
And sadness will remain.

You'll ponder thoughts of real love
and wonder if they're true
Pity takes no place in life
Upon a heart so blue

Grand is love yet merciless
The price to pay is high
A choice to take of love or death
My heart would rather die

Never lend your heart to love,
You'll find my words are true
Don't doubt me friend for I should know
I fell in love with you.


Author unknown

A heart split in two

I’m sitting on my bed, in Singapore, writing this post, feeling emotionally vulnerable and teary. Writing gives me comfort. Writing gives me release. I am sad because I am leaving Singapore to go back to Sydney in two days time. Leaving is always so hard to do.

Many times I question whether I’ve made the right decision to make Sydney my home, for now. So many people have asked me if I ever plan to move back to Singapore. Truth is, I don’t know. I’m not closed to that option and I readily would move back here if life so leads me back. But for now, I’ve chosen Sydney as my home. How long, I don’t know. Why Sydney over Singapore? I don’t know either. There’s an indescribable feeling, deep within me, a little voice in my heart, a little ‘prompting’, if you like, that’s edging me towards Sydney. I’m not ready to leave. I feel like I’ve started something there, a season of my life, maybe, and it needs to be finished, before I can leave.

Despite that, it still makes leaving Singapore hard. I’ve got so much here. My family, my friends, the past that I’ve had, the memories. Every time I walk through the departure gates at Changi, I leave a small portion of my heart here. If I do this often enough, what will be left of my heart?

As much as my parents are supportive of me being in Sydney, I know it’s hard for them to let go. Having both children in two different ends of the world is heart wrenching. My family doesn’t have the luxury of having a monthly family gathering. The last time all of us were in the same country, enjoying family time together, was two years ago. It’s not easy for mom and dad, but they unselfishly let us go any way, knowing that they can’t hang on forever, knowing that children do one day grow to become adults. I am grateful for that.

My tears are flowing freely as I write. My heart is slowly being sliced in two. This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in awhile. I pray that God will be honoured in my decision, that His plans will prevail.

Come Wednesday, when I board the flight back to Sydney, I will fill my mind with happy thoughts of my future in Australia. I will think about the many exciting things that lie ahead – new job, new home, changes at church… But know that a part of me, a very special part of me, will always cling on to everything that I have in Singapore. I am who I am today, because of the life I’ve had here and the people that I know. You may take girl out of Singapore, but you’ll never take the Singapore out of her.

I thought it apt to end with a song, written by an amazing Singaporean singer/song-writer, who understands my struggle because she lives in Los Angeles, pursuing her dreams. This song has repeatedly brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how she feels, and she’s penned it far more eloquently than I can.

Fly away – Corrinne May

“When will you be home?” she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She’s watched me as I crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
And yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I’ll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we’ll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
Silver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
“We need you. Please come back.”
When I saw her lying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

Get the tenth one free for every nine...

Consumerism seems to have increased exponentially in recent times. Or maybe it’s just that I never bought into it and am now slowly realizing its insidious grasp. I recently acquired my sixth loyalty card. Loyalty what, you say? Yeah, loyalty card. You know, one of those ‘get a stamp for every coffee you buy and get the tenth one free’ cards. You heard me right. I now am a proud owner of six loyalty cards, all acquired in a span of six months. That’s one card a month!! If I keep this up I’ll have nine by the end of this year.

There’s my Easy Way Bubble Tea card. You seriously can’t expect me, a true blue Singaporean, to not have a bubble tea card can you? Those were so in mode back when platform shoes were fashion must-haves.

Then there’s my FlyBuys card. That’s a rewards card. I get points for every dollar I spend at Kmart, Coles, Target and a whole bunch of other shops. A girl needs food. I’m a loyal customer at Coles. They’re the Fresh Food People!!! (Oh wait, or is that Woolworth’s slogan??)

Then I’ve got my ‘discount’ cards. A Rebel Sport and Hybrid Sport one. I get 10% off on selected items or for every $50 I spend. That’s a lot of money to spend just to get 10% off don’t you think? I’m often faced with the dilemma, should I buy just one more top, or that pair of socks that I don’t really need, or new tennis racket grips because they’re a funky colour, just so I can bring my total amount to $50 so that I can get 10% off. Oh, those decisions are so hard to make!

Don’t forget my L’Occitane card. For every $50 I spend I get one stamp. When I accumulate ten stamps (that’s a total of $500 for the mathematically challenged), I’m eligible for VIP membership. That’s when I get 10% off all L’Occitane products. Work with me here - if I have to spend 500 bucks to get 10% off lets say a moisturizer that costs $60, I’ll end up saving $6 on the moisturizer. But given that I’ve already spent $500 to get the $6 savings in the first place, I’d have to buy 84 bottles of moisturizer before I’ve ‘earned’ back the $500. 84 bottles of moisturizer!@$?? I’d be dead before I even see the benefits of that 10%!

I wonder if this loyalty program works for friendship. I’ll hang out with you and listen to your sob stories over a cuppa. But on the tenth occasion, you’ll have to buy me coffee as a ‘reward’ for my listening.

Or dishes.

I’ll do the dishes at home for ten days, after which my flatmate has to buy me something nice. ☺

Or exams.

If I pass nine exams with a High Distinction, I’ll get my tenth HD without having to take the actual exam.

Or better yet - dating.

I’ll go out with you nine times (as a favour of course) but on the tenth occasion you have to set me up with your cute friend that I’m actually interested in but couldn’t go out with until I went out with you nine times. Hmm…

I’m no genius (though sometimes I like to think I am) but something tells me this loyalty program isn’t going to work for friendship, exams or dishes. I’ll have to think of another way to sustain my friendships, score my HDs and trick my flatmate into doing my share of the dishes. Heehee…

Before I get to that however I’m going shopping (where I will no doubt acquire another loyalty card) to buy myself a new wallet.

I need somewhere to store my loyalty cards!!

A Walk to Beautiful

The other day I had the chance to watch an African documentary titled “A Walk to Beautiful” as part of the African Film Festival in Sydney. The documentary highlighted the difficulties millions of African girls face in childbirth due to the lack of medical services and poor practices. Many of these girls end up giving birth to still born babies after experiencing up to ten days of labour. The stress of their labour often damages their bladders subjecting them to a lifetime of incontinence and stigma. The documentary highlighted the work done at the Fistula Hospital in Ethiopia. The girls who are lucky enough to make it to the hospital stand a 93% chance of being cured after surgery. To this day, there are still one to two million women suffering from obstetric fistula.

Needless to say, I was in tears by the end of the documentary.

The constant question plaguing my mind was ‘Why? Why do these poor women have to suffer? Why do people in the west have such easy access to medical services and not Africa? Why would anyone want to perform female genital mutilation on their daughter? Why does God allow such inhuman practices in His created world? Why, Lord?’

One of the hardest things I find to reconcile is the inequality that exists in the world. I’m constantly at turmoil with the bountiful material blessings I have in my life and the awareness that, in so many parts of the world, there are people who have not only nothing but have immense suffering too. There always is a deep aching and sorrow in my heart when I watch documentaries like A Walk to Beautiful. How does one reconcile the inequalities in the world?

I often try turn to prayer, trusting that God knows what he’s doing and that he’s in control. But almost always, I don’t know how to pray. There is so much suffering in the world, so much injustice, so much brokenness, so much turmoil, if one were to pray, where and how would one even start?

I bought a jacket that cost $120 the other day. It’s a very pretty jacket. I really wanted it. I knew my conscience would come back and haunt me for buying it. A part of me knows that in and of itself the act of buying a jacket that costs $120 isn’t wrong. (The price of a jacket is relative. Compared to many other jackets, $120 is nothing. But that is a debate best left for another day). If you’ve got the money, and if you’re a good steward of it, buy the jacket. It is not wrong.

The other side of me however, struggles with the thought of the poor African person living in the other end of the world with no money. How much would my $120 have done for him?

I need to be a good steward of my material blessings. We all do. But where and how do we draw the line? Is there a “cap” to the amount a person should spend on a jacket? When is too much, too much? How many jackets should I own in the first place? Do I need so many bags? How many shoes is the “right” number? Is buying expensive jewelry wrong? What about buying many “cheap” jewelry?

I don’t know.

Every time I encounter someone else’s story of suffering I always promise myself that I will never complain again. I make a promise to use my money wisely. To only buy things that I need. To not waste. To be generous. To live simply. Unfortunately, all these promises have time and time again been broken.

There is no easy answer. When I see God in Heaven I will ask Him for answers. In all the sufferings of the world, there is only one certain hope that anyone can have – the hope of eternal life in a perfect world when Jesus comes again. The hope that is achieved through Jesus’ death on the cross.

I may not be able to make sense of the fallen world around me. But I can make sense of what is told to me in the Bible. And it is only through this hope that I can live, because without it, life really wouldn’t be worth living.

I will end this post with a passage from the Bible. This passage has helped me and many others get through this difficult journey called life.


Romans 8: 18-30

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Snowboarding vs wakeboarding: A lesson in perseverance (and discipline) Part II

This winter I had the privilege of going to the snow again. This time I spent a whole week snowboarding, compared to the two days last year. I also went for lessons. Can I just say OMGOSH!! I LOVE SNOWBOARDING!?##$@!! :-)

My snowboarding ability is now at a point where I can enjoy doing runs without falling unnecessarily while controlling my turns and my direction. Last year I could only go down the mountain ‘heel side falling leaf’. This year, I can go down the mountain heel and toe side falling leaf and turn from toe-to-heel both goofy and fakie. Heehee… (I’m learning the snowboarding lingo).

I love snowboarding!!!

If there’s going to be one indulgence in my life I think it will be trips to the snow every ski season.

There are various reasons why I enjoyed myself so much more this year. Firstly, I’m in a much better physical, emotional and mental state this year than last. After my snowboarding trip last year I said I’d train up for my next trip to the snow (see July 2007 post). So, true to my word I went running 2-3 times a week in the month leading up to my 2008 trip. I did stairs, push ups, sit ups, ate vitamins and had a high protein diet. The efforts paid off.

Sorry wakeboarding, snowboarding has just surpassed you in enjoyment and priority. Next year, God willing, I’ll go to the snow again. My 2009 goal – Learn how to turn heel-to-toe fakie then learn how to jump!!!

No mangled and maimed body this year. Just happy memories and a smile on my face.

Treasure of Jesus

A couple of days ago I managed to spontaneously catch a friend for dinner. Over dinner we had a (non-belligerent) debate about whether there was such a thing as a ‘closet Christian’. Basically, whether a person could be Christian and ‘closet’ about it.

We both agreed that there was no such thing as a ‘closet Christian’.

The underlying reasoning was that if you were Christian and trying to live out the Christian life, it was impossible to be ‘closet’ about it. The Gospel message demands that we go forth and tell people about Christ and also that we actively live out the Christian life for all to see.

When I was 17, I had a bookmark with a cartoon of a courtroom with an angry looking judge and a guilty-faced criminal. At the bottom of the bookmark was the question – If you were charged in court for being Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

If I were being entirely honest, had someone posed that question to me during my rebellious teenage years, the answer would be a resounding no. There wouldn’t be enough evidence to convict me for being Christian. I’d like to think things are different now. I am by no means perfect (though, in my sinfulness I often like to think I am), but I can genuinely say I’m trying to live in response to the Gospel message I’ve grown to love over the years.

In my short life thus far, I’ve been blessed to have suffered very little. I also haven’t been grievously persecuted for being Christian. A constant worry is that should the day come, and I’m sure it will, where I face suffering or persecution, will I still call God my God?

I hope I will.

I’d like to end this post with a song I’ve been listening to and thinking about. It reflects a verse from my favourite book in the Bible – Philippians. Chapter one, verse 21 says ‘for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain’.



Treasure of Jesus
Steven Curtis Chapman

What can I do?
How can I live?
To show my world
The treasure of Jesus

What will it take?
What could I give?
So they can know
The treasure He is

And if I can sing,
Let my songs
Be full of His glory
If I can speak
Let my words be full of His grace
And if I should live or die
Let me be found
Pursuing this prize
The One that alone satisfies
The treasure of Jesus

Changing perceptions of a sinner

Just the other day, in the midst of housework, I decided to listen to an old favourite CD from my teens – Firehouse’s “Good Acoustics”. I loved that CD so much I remember writing an essay for my mid-year English exam justifying why “I live my live for you” is the best song ever. (Not that this matters, but I got second highest in class for that essay. :P )

It’s funny how different things are ten years on. One of the songs on the CD is titled “Love Don’t Care”. When I was in my mid-teens, I never thought about song lyrics or what they meant. I simply enjoyed the songs as is. The lyrics to this song struck me in a whole new light as I listened to it again, this time in my mid-20s.

The argument running through the song was that love don’t care who you love, so long as it feels right and makes you happy and if you don’t hurt anyone in the process of loving someone. (I’ve copied and pasted the song lyrics at the end of this post for reference).

I agree yet disagree with the song. Allow me to explain.

Yes, I think love, in the context of friendship, shouldn’t care about race, colour, status, background, gender or any other factor that would differentiate us as humans. Humanity consists of a kaleidoscope of people, we are all different, but yet all so human.

However, love, in the context of marriage and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are different. The two things that should separate people in this context are gender and religion. I believe there are absolutes in this world. There is absolute right and absolute wrong. There is an absolute God.

This absolute God states out very clearly in His Word – the Bible – that homosexuality is wrong. He also says that if you call him God and Lord, you ought to only marry (and by implication therefore, date) a person (of the opposite sex) who also calls this absolute God, Lord.

My opinions may be considered archaic, conservative and discriminatory in today’s postmodern society. Regardless, I stand my ground. According to the Bible, same sex relationships are wrong and Christians shouldn’t marry (and date) non-Christians.

Lest I get abused for my views, allow me to take my argument to another level.

I have gay friends. I also have friends who are in ‘inter-religious’ relationships. At no point would I ever Bible-bash my friends into accepting and adopting my opinion. These are my views that I subscribe to because I strive to live in obedience to what God says in the Bible. It would be unreasonable on my part to expect anyone to follow what the Bible says if God isn’t their God. A person can only live by what they believe to be true.

I would never stop loving my gay friends or my ‘inter-religious’ relationship friends. I may not always agree with what they do, but I hope friendship will always prevail. At no point would I judge my friends for their actions. If one understands the Christian message, one would know we’re all equally undeserving sinners, saved by grace.

My loving prayer for all my non-Christian friends and family, gay, straight or bisexual, is that one day they may come to know Christ and make an active choice to follow Him. But until that day happens, God willing, if it ever does, I cannot and will not expect that they live as I do. That wouldn’t be fair to them.

Isn’t it funny? As a 15 year old I’d never thought I’d string such an argument about a silly song ten years on. My, how things have changed!!



Firehouse - Love Don’t Care

Little girl, face all black and blue
But she knows better
That's not the way a man should treat you
But that's ok, she'll change her life tonight
She's leaving him
For a woman who will treat her right

And everybody needs somebody
She could be with anybody
Doesn't matter if it's not another man

Chorus:
Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
If you ain't hurting anybody
And if you feel it deep inside
Then love don't care who you love
Don't care who you love

Little girl, she's no sister, she is white
But she loves a brother
Takin' him home to meet her folks tonight
Mom and dad don't understand
We're all the same inside
They just don't realize
That love is always colorblind

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
It's not the color that makes the man

Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
Don't let anybody tell you
That it's wrong if it feels right
'Cuz love don't care who you love
Love don't care

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
So love someone who makes you happy

Struggles of a sinner

The world doesn't revolve around me.
I'd like to think it does.
But I know it doesn't.

All the turmoil in the world.
All the destruction.
All the unrest.

Why am I spared?
Why am I happy?

When others feel like they have no hope.

Why all the injustice?

I feel guilty for all I have.
Yet I know that it's not my fault.
Should I deny myself pleasure because others are suffering?
I hope to never take what I have for granted.
Never.

I'm grateful. Thankful. Overwhelmed.

I hope to cling to what's important.

One day I'll go home and be with my Saviour. But for now I'm happy this side of heaven. It's not always easy, but for the most part, God has been good.

People need the Lord.
People need the Lord.

I am blessed.

I am blessed to be alive.
To wake up each morning to a brand new day.

I am blessed to have parents.
Parents who love me unconditionally.
Who are unwavering in their support of my endless endeavours.

I am blessed for all the material comfort I have.
Every. Material. Comfort.

I am blessed with friends.
Friends who love and care for me.
Friends who share their lives with me

I am blessed with an education.
One that equips me for gainful employment.

I am blessed to experience Autumn in Sydney.
When leaves on trees turn brown.
When everything has a tinge of red and orange.

I am blessed with so many things I don't deserve.

Most of all,

I am blessed with Jesus' death and resurrection.

I am blessed with eternal life.

I am blessed by God.

I am blessed with so many things I don't deserve.

Looking forward to death??

It’s been awhile since I last blogged. Blogging is a commitment. It’s that active choice to force yourself to sit down, to be with your thoughts, and write something coherent and interesting enough that people would want to read it. So here I am, trying to resume my habit of writing. Well, I never really stopped writing, I’ve always had my diary, but “public” writing and “private” writing are two very different things.

Something struck me and I think it’s worth recounting here. Rob Smith spoke in church on Sunday and his sermon was titled “The Two Eternal Destinies”. I was incredibly encouraged by the sermon because it was a great reminder of the reality of heaven and hell.

As a Christian, I do believe that heaven and hell exist. I also believe what is told to me in the Bible - that people who believe in Jesus will go to heaven and people who don’t will go to hell. It’s a hard message to swallow, but it also very liberating.

The assurance of heaven gives me the freedom to live my life without fear of death and it gives me great joy and hope to know that upon death, I’m going to a far better place than I can imagine. This may sound silly but I’m going to say it anyway. Despite being incredibly happy and content with my life at the moment [and having no plans to die any time soon (haha)], I’m even more excited about the prospect of one day dying and going to heaven, where I will see my maker and my Lord. :)

It’s funny, hey? I’ve been back in Sydney for over 2 weeks now and of all the things I could have updated on my blog I’ve chosen to talk about death. There have been some significant moments in my life where I’ve yearned for death because “life sucks” or “the world is a crappy place” or “there isn’t anything worth living for” or “I just don’t want to be a part of the world anymore’. But things have changed. I love life now because there is much to offer. I do believe God has a purpose for me, and for everyone else, while we’re on this earth. And while I eagerly wait to go to heaven, I’m also happy to live my life to the fullest in the ‘now but not yet’.

To my friends, if you’re reading this, I hope you take the time to think about life (and the after life) and explore what Christianity has to offer. :)

I miss Singapore (-an food, haha) and I really, really miss my friends and family back home. If you’re reading this, do keep in touch and know that you’re in my thoughts. I’ve finally gotten a Facebook account so that’s another avenue to keep in touch!